Weepy...

Just got back from Uganda yesterday, late afternoon. By 5:30, I was dipping chips in salsa at Chuy's with friends, and trying to stay awake so I wouldn't do a face plant in my tortilla soup. Due to jet lag, I woke up wide eyed, but not so bushy tailed about 3:30am. I eventually got up and headed to the office around 6:30 ready to conquer the day. Now, I sit at my laptop, weepy and so heavy hearted it feels as if something is literally sitting on my chest. My challenge already this morning has been to try to figure out why all the tears, why the heavy heart, and why the desire for isolation from everything and everyone except for the Lord? One would think after years of mission trips, re-entry to the American culture wouldn't be so difficult and that experience would ease the blow a bit. But it's just not so. Time and time again, the sight, smell, sound, taste, and touch of poverty ruins and wrecks my heart, and coming back to America only makes me more mindful of it. I find myself today living with a disturbing tension that I can't figure out, and it causes me to go to God and ask questions like, "How should I live differently? How do I make choices that reveal that the brokenness of my heart is real and not just emotional? Anyone can cry when they see a malnourished baby dying of AIDS, but how does my life reflect a heart that has been changed by that? How can I vividly see pictures of children's shoeless, dirty feet in my mind one minute, and desire to make an appointment for a pedicure the next minute? A pedicure that would cost as much as a month's food for a family in Nicaragua, or school fees and a uniform for a little girl in Uganda. The new iPhone comes out this week...how, in the world, can I want one after just walking the slums of Jinja, Uganda three days ago? Such shame and embarrassment accompany those thoughts and numerous ones that resemble them. As Psalm 73 says, "my heart and my flesh have failed..." Fortunately, the words following say that HE is the strength of my heart and portion forever.

I'm definitely not going to be able to resolve the inner conflict presently taking place in me any time soon, but I can seek the Lord and ask for His grace, wisdom, and sweet conviction with every decision I make. As I prayed Psalm 86:4 this morning, "Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul," He reminded me of a verse in Job that says, "So the poor have hope, and injustice shuts her mouth."

I apologize for my rambling thoughts this morning and that this blog served more as a processing tool for myself than a source of information for readers, but hopefully if you've recently returned from a mission trip and are experiencing similar emotions, you are comforted by learning of someone else who is weepy and wrecked. Please know that there was much to celebrate during my time in Uganda -- salvations were springing up from the ground, children received medicine that would prolong their lives, women were learning skills that would bring good hygiene and nutrition into their villages and perhaps most importantly, the name of Jesus was shouted at the top of our lungs, we danced in His name and He was glorified!

I want to leave you with a few precious promises that will sustain me today as I see everything through a new set of eyes...

Psalm 112
Praise the LORD!
Blessed is the man who fears the LORD,
who finds great delight in his commands.
His children will be mighty in the land;
the generation of the upright will be blessed.
Wealth and riches are in his house,
and his righteousness endures forever.
Even in darkness light dawns for the upright,
for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man.
Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely,
who conducts his affairs with justice.
Surely he will never be shaken;
a righteous man will be remembered forever.
He will have no fear of bad news;
his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.
His heart is secure, he will have no fear;
in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.
He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor,
his righteousness endures forever;
his horn will be lifted high in honor.
The wicked man will see and be vexed,
he will gnash his teeth and waste away;
the longings of the wicked will come to nothing.